The Dreaded Mother-In-Law...NOT

I’m wearing a new hat in my life now. I am now a mother-in-law…yes I’m officially one of those. I love my son’s wife with all my heart and it is my sincere desire to be a joy to my new daughter-in-law and NOT be the stereotypical MIL that is joked about in our society. I want to be someone they enjoy spending time with and love to visit and I want them to know with their whole heart that they can always count on me. So….I’ve been doing some studying. My old standby when I need to know anything about anything…Google. I found lots of interesting and helpful websites….evidently it’s a popular subject.  I really appreciated the following post from momlifetoday.com by Susan Yates. Some of it hit me in the face and pulled at my heart strings. My relationship with my son has changed…it should change when he marries. Susan wrote how the Bible says when we marry we are to leave, cleave and become one flesh. I am no longer Dillon’s “go to” girl…Jordy is, and that’s the way it should be. Hard but true and I need to adjust to this or I will be the dreaded MIL. Lol




I hope this article helps others who find themselves in this season of their lives.

How to Be a Great Mother-in-Law



Susan Yates

Mom Since 1972

A great mother-in-law?? Okay, most days, I’d settle for just being a good one or even simply not messing up a relationship too badly. I’ve been a mother-in-law for 17 years now. We have five kids — three daughters and two sons. All of them are married, so I have both sons- and daughters-in-law. And the things I’ve learned over the years have come mostly from the mistakes I’ve made.

When our daughter Allison was a newlywed, she was about to drive overnight alone on a trip. “We don’t want you to do that. It’s too dangerous,” we said. After further discussion, she came to us and said, “This is not really your decision. You have to let me and Will decide what to do.” As hard as it was, she was right.

Since I’ve been in the school of “in-lawing” for quite some time now, I thought I’d share with you five things I have learned from my own life, as well as from friends, which I hope will help you as you attend this “school” with me.

1. Our priorities change when our child gets married.

When our child marries, the priority relationship is no longer my relationship with my child but their relationship with each other. The most important thing to me now is to cultivate their marriage. So when your newlywed daughter calls and says, “Mom, I am going to buy a couch. What kind should I get?” your answer needs to be, “What does your husband think?” We have to step back from being the primary counselor to pushing them toward each other. God’s Word describes marriage as to leave, to cleave, and to become one flesh. Many marriages run into trouble because either the husband or the wife does not “leave emotionally.” We in-law parents can contribute to this problem by continuing to be too involved in our kids’ lives. It’s time to relinquish them to each other.

If possible, encourage your newlywed kids to live away from both sets of parents during their first two years of marriage. Geographical distance will promote the emotional leaving and will encourage the needed cleaving.

2. Be patient in building the relationship.

We want our families to be close. We want to have a deep friendship with our new son- or daughter-in-law. But sometimes, we expect this to happen too quickly, and we can suffocate the new family member. If our expectation for an instant, close-knit family is too high, we will be disappointed. It’s important to remember that anything that is new is awkward. It is often hard for a new daughter-in-law to embrace her new family instantly. Give the new member some time to adjust. The first two years are likely to be a time of slowly grafting him or her into the family.

3. Focus on common interests.

We have to work patiently at building a relationship with new in-laws. Find out their interests and study the things that interest them. If they are “into” natural foods, study nutrition. If they are in business, try to learn about their particular field. Do things with them that they like. If they like fishing, go fishing. If they are readers, read what they read. Be interested in their lives. Get to know their friends. However, remember there is a delicate balance between overwhelming them and ignoring them.

4. Ask your own child how you can love his or her spouse well.

Usually we want to love our in-law child, but often we don’t know how to go about it. His or her love language may be completely different from ours.* Ask your own child, “How can I love your spouse well this year? What can I do that would communicate love to him or her? Is there anything that I am doing that is offensive to him or her?”

Do not speak negatively about your child’s spouse to your child. This puts your child in an awkward position, and if he has to choose who to support, he must choose his wife. Remember their marriage is the priority relationship. This does not mean that you can’t discuss things, but it must be done very carefully.

It’s helpful if we don’t distinguish between our child and our in-law child. I have five children, but since they are all married, I now have ten. Mentally, emotionally, and in every other way, I try to think of them equally and treat them in the same way. It’s always a process.

5. Be quick to ask forgiveness and to grant grace.

We are going to blow it as in-laws a lot. It’s important to say, “I shouldn’t have said what I did (or done what I did), and I need to ask you to forgive me. Will you forgive me?” I’ve had to do this many times to all of my kids and my husband, but I’ve never felt like doing it. Often I’d rather say, “But you should have or you shouldn’t have …” We go asking for forgiveness not because we feel like it but because we are commanded to. Feelings take time to heal, and trust can take time to be restored; but this process cannot begin apart from going to another and asking for forgiveness. We must assume the best, remember our kids are young, and strive to grant extra grace. And we have to recognize that God is much more patient with us than we are with ourselves. We never obtain a final degree in the school of parenting. We will always be learning!

AUGUST - MARCH

 Here are some things that have been going on since my last post in August 2012.  This is for you Gina, no one else asks me about when I'm going to post again.  lol  Speaking of my SIL, we were invited to the Divine Estate :) in October for a family cookout.  It turned out to be pretty darn cold but we all had a really good time eating all the delicious food and just hanging out by the fire.

 

Spud especially enjoyed all the attention...  cute pup.

 Kim and Kayla took advantage of the blankets.  Grandma all bundled up by the fire.

 

 

                                    I think they were trying to make a smashed Jordy sandwich.  If you look close she is on the very bottom of the pile.

                              The Knepp girls were our only Trick or Treaters this year...such cuties.

                                         We took some pictures for a Christmas card.  Thanks to Tera for the              help.  Vaughn was still in his sling from having rotator cuff surgery on November 19th.

                                            Sweet huh?  lol

 

Tried to decorate Drake too.  He wasn't thrilled.

                                                  This was my tree this year...golds and reds.
                                                     
         

 

       Swartzentruber Christmas...playing dirty Santa.

The Divine's at our Graber Christmas Eve celebration.

The Bledsoe's and the Smith's.

Grandma and Grandpa...they always spoil all of us with gifts.

The Graber's

The  whole gang!!

Dillon with fiance Jordy.

Jake with girlfriend Jaleena

Christmas morning at our house...the traditional picture with their stockings.  This was Dillon's last Christmas at home. :(

We have been busy making wedding preparations in 2013. Going to send out the Save The Dates today.   Dillon bought a small house in Plainville and we have been helping them with fixing it up.  Vaughn finally got to go back to work February 18th which is grand.  I've been taking care of Mom a lot, going to her house after work most days and staying my turn on weekends.  She is declining in physical and mental health but still remembers who we are so that is a blessing. I have been working with the Gifts Discernment Committee at church to fill the slate with people who are willing to serve our church in different positions.   It has been crazy busy at work preparing for the auditors yearly visit, taking care of Capital Credit refunds and tons of phone calls with questions and we got new computers with TWO screens.  Kinda cool but was a little hard to get use to.  We are also getting new software accounting software so that preparation added to the busyness.  Will be gone the week of March 18th to meetings trying to learn the ins and outs of it.  Bridgette has had a very trying 2nd semester of school...I'll just leave it at that.  Prayers for her are appreciated.

I have been trying to improve my walk with my Lord so I could use any prayers you would send my way.  I want to lean on Him for everything in my life and not worry so much and try to do it myself.

Changes...

 Ok its been awhile since my last update and lots of things have happened.  These pics are on Easter Sunday.  That Azaela bush was gorgeous this year!!

 Bridgettes senior prom was in April 21st.  She was nominated for Prom Queen this year which was very exciting.

 Then the very next week the senior class left for Washington DC and NYC by bus.  She had a great time with her fellow classmates.

 This group of senior girls have been friends since Kindergarten or soon after and have spent lots of overnights at each others houses, played basketball, softball, volleyball, and tennis together.  Sang in the chorus, played in the band, went to BMC together and went on vacations with each other.  Fought over guys, made up (many times) and cried on each others shoulders.  They have almost all gone their separate ways now but I hope they will always share a special place in each others hearts...I know they do in mine.

 Dillon graduated from Vincennes University in early May and we surprised him with a small party.  It was a blast and I think he really enjoyed it after the initial shock was over.  :)

 He started working a "for real" job, lol, as soon as he was done with classes at Daviess Co Metal Sales as an Inside Salesman.

 Tennis senior is always a lot of fun for the girls.  These 3 seniors have had much success over the last 4 years and I have enjoyed watching them play immensely. 

 Bridgettes last chorus concert.  It was so entertaining and Joyce always does a great job putting them together.  Megan and Bridge have done the choreography the last several years and I think they will be missed.

                                  Senior Chorus members.

                              Her last day of high school.....ever.    Not really sad about leaving high school but things will change a lot for her and me in the next year or so.

                                Graduation ceremony with mom and dad.  I did really good not crying a bunch.  Just a few tears.

 My three special kids.

 We had a little photo shoot at the school and I love how this picture turned out.

 We had her graduation party the weekend before the ceremony at PMC.

                                      Bridgette~~ Robin  ~~  Katelyn

Move in day at USI.  I kept it together that day but had a hard weekend without her.  Her first week was filled with drama....she locked herself out of the apartment, locked her keys in her car and got in a major dispute with her roommate and moved into the other room.  Hopefully things will get better next week for her...might say a few prayers for the adjustment period.


I dont have any pictures of Dillons other major life changing event this summer...he proposed to Jordy and they set the date for August 31, 2013.  So we are in full wedding planning/house hunting mode!!
Wow what are these kids trying to do to their momma???   Lots of changes for us all...but I guess that's what keeps life interesting.

Another BIG change happened on July 29th....we moved my Mother home from the nursing home.  We hired Marv's sister, Syl, to stay with her 24/7 Monday-Friday.  Us siblings are taking turns on the weekends which is working out much better than I anticipated.  Mom seems so much less depressed at home and more lucid than what she was at the nursing home so it seems to have been the right decision.